What Makes Love Last
Rating: 3 / 5 stars
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High-Level Thoughts
Decent book filled with tests to check in through your relationship. The mathematical theory was backed-up well, but the book itself had a much more research-paperesque vibe to it. Overall, a good read with tidbits of supportive material for building relationships that can be revisited on a case-by-case basis.
“The best advice I can offer…it is to revere each other and be grateful that you are in each other’s life.”
Summary Notes
Introduction
“They emphasize the value of friendship between partners, accepting each other’s influence, and being gentle during disagreements.”
“In sharp contrast, trust removes an enormous source of stress because it allows you to act with incomplete information”
Assessing Your Trust Metric
“If you don’t have faith in your partner, you take the stance that he or she should change so that you can maximize your own payoffs.”
“In the Nash Equilibrium, both people end up in a position where they are receiving their maximum payoff and will not benefit more if they try to change the situation by themselves.”
“A couple’s mutual trust score indicates how deeply they are in this together and have each other’s back. In contrast, trustworthiness indicates a partner’s willingness to sacrifice for the relationship, to sometimes put his or her own needs on the back burner because the partnership matters most.”
“When one member of a couple becomes clearer about needs and desires, often the relationship comes into sharper focus for both of them, making positive changes easier.”
The Three Boxes
“I need to spend our sessions examining why this couple is so negative. When we accomplish this, their relationship will turn around and they will naturally drift away from being nasty to each other and into the Nice box.”
“I Didn’t Mean for It to Happen” (Why Cheaters Cheat)
“Even if you buy the car of your dreams, in ten years it will be a miserable wreck if you don’t maintain it. But people are not cars! Although neglect plays a large role in marital dissatisfaction, it is not enough to land either partner in someone else’s arms.”
“His wife notices his wandering eye and asks, “Do you think she’s prettier than me?” If the two have a powerful sexual and emotional connection the man can say, ‘Nah–you’re much more beautiful.’”
“The betrayer is now primed for a sexual relationship with the new companion. There are probably as many paths to that first physical betrayal as there are affairs.”
Ten Other Ways to Betray a Lover
“Relationship killers are founded on two building blocks: deception (not revealing your true needs to avoid unpleasant conflict) and a yearning for emotional connection that seems unavailable from the partner”
“Here’s the rule: If you think your partner would be uncomfortable watching your interactions with this person, or be upset by the confidences you’ve shared, the closeness is dangerous.”
“Having children is such a transformative experience that you can’t know for certain what’s going to work for your relationship ahead of time.”
Trust and the Roots of Attunement
“Emotion coaching. Parents who used this approach viewed their child’s anger, fear, or sadness as an opportunity to connect and help the child understand feelings.”
Attunement Made Easy: The Art of Intimate Conversation
“Many people think that effective conversation entails making yourself sound interesting to others, when actually it is all about being interested in others”
“‘I don’t love my dog Fritz,’ and notice how their body feels. Next, she has them speak the truth (“I love my dog Fritz”) and note the difference in their physical reactions.”
Turning Toward Each Other
“Repairs that appeal to emotions and those that appeal to thought. Emotion-based repairs were far more effective. Both types are most successful if you use them early.”
“No matter how hard you try, you are going to miss an enormous amount of each other’s bids. It’s inevitable for conflict to spark on occassion.”
Working Through Your Messes, Big and Small
“In my clinical practice, I have found that holding weekly State of the Union meetings is the most successful strategy for helping couples who are in conflict”
“We don’t choose our emotions. But we can choose to accept our partner’s.”
Recovering from Infidelity
“Discovering that the person you entrusted with your heart betrayed you may lead to questioning everything.”
“If a therapist communicates any of the following beliefs find somebody else to work with:
It’s best not to talk about the affair. Avoid conflict and cool it.
Both partners are equally culpable
An affair is much worse when a woman strays
If the cheating was done with a prostitute, it’s not as bad.”
Connecting Through Intimate Sex
“As the state that occurs when two people both nurture and encourage acts and thoughts that cherish the other as unique and irreplaceable. Passion is the state that arises when you nurture a strong and at times almost obsessive interest in your partner that includes desire, curiosity, and attraction.”
“Research on female sexual response finds that women consider sexual pleasure to be more about intimate touching than orgasm per se.”
How to Know If It’s Time to Go
“But when the brain confronts two opposite realities at the same time — what’s called cognitive dissonance – it rewrites your history so that it makes sense and is easier to remember”
Learning to Trust Again
“Couples in low-trust relationships have a higher death rate than others.”
“A partner’s life should be an open book, without secrets”
