The Book of Boundaries
Rating: 3 / 5 stars
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High-Level Thoughts
This book is a boatload of different scenarios for you to set boundaries in your life. This led to it feeling a bit redundant while going through it. Some chapters may resonate, whereas others are less so due to the circumstances we’re all in. Overall, a good guidebook, but not something that stands out too much.
Boundaries are designed to make your relationships better, and someone has to go first to create a new generational pattern for your family. I’m proud of you for being that person.
Summary Notes
“Setting a boundary is an expression of power and a privilege”
“Boundaries mark the limits of behavior that are acceptable to you, where words or actions beyond that limit cause you harm or make you feel unsafe.”
“‘Is this person really my friend if they can’t do the bare minimum to keep me safe?’ It turns out boundaries were what I’d been missing all along.”
“The three steps of boundaries: 1/ identify the need for a boundary. 2/ Set the boundary using clear, kind language. 3/ Hold the boundary.”
“The truth is when someone oversteps your limit, there is no comfortable solution.”
“Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
“A boundary doesn’t tell someone else what to do, it tells them what you will do.”
“Overexplaining is a natural response when you feel uncomfortable or when you’ve been taught to get approval from other before claiming something for yourself.”
“The first rule of parenting that I learned was to never set a consequence I’m not willing to enforce.”
“What is the smallest action you can take to produce the desired effect?”
“Practice makes boundaries feel and sound far more natural, which means you’ll come across as more confident, and the boundary is more likely to be taken seriously.”
“It’s not your job to guess my boundaries, it’s up to me to set and hold them.”
“Present a united front, but handle your own parents.”
“Your parenting style, rules, or practices, it’s your life and your child and now it’s time for every grandparent’s rite of passage: butting out and minding their own business”
“If they don’t know where you’re going, they can’t just show up. (That’s a Fuchsia-level boundary right there.)”
“It’s a shame when someone does you a favor that turns out to have major strings, but when someone shows you who they are, believe them–and create as many fences as you need to reestablish trust.”
“Breaking up is hard to do doable”
“When you establish limits to make the relationship a healthy space for you, and someone repeatedly refuses to respect those limits, it’s time to end the relationship.”
“Good fences make good neighbors”
“If a friend is in a busy season (new baby, new job) or is experiencing personal challenges, instead of trying to force meet-ups, offer alternate ways to stay connected, like text message touch-bases, a quick Sunday night phone call, or trading funny TikToks. (That’s my current friendship Love Language)”
“You don’t have to be friends with your neighbors, but it makes life a lot nicer (and more convenient and safe) if you all look out for one another.”
“Say what you mean and trust your partner to do the same.”
“Because we never felt pressure to do it any one way, we were free to explore any solution we could imagine, no matter how unconventional.”
“Running a household is as complex and challenging as running a business, and we all want to be recognized and appreciated for the very real (and often invisible) labor involved.”
“Stick to one subject during arguments”
“Think about who you are okay with them confiding in or seeking advice from”
“Some of the most important boundaries you set in your romantic relationships might just be with yourself.”
“Boundaries are a two-way street: You can expect others to respect yours, and you need to make it a priority to respect others’ for the good of your relationship.”
“I set a boundary that all communications needed to happen in writing, so we each had a record of what was agreed to”
“But putting distance between us and respecting that limit was necessary for my own mental health and healing, so I held that boundary for myself.”
“Sometimes the best response is no response, so consider whether staying in your power and your business and declining to feed that energy at all might be the most effective course of action.”
“Often the people closest to you are the most likely to disrespect your boundaries around food and drink.”
“Alcohol is the only drug in our culture that we feel we have to justify not using–and the societal pressures around drinking are intense at any stage of life, whether you’re in college, a new mom, or starting a new job.”
“Researchers in nutrition and dietetics say that eating behaviors are transmitted socially, and people’s food choices are deeply linked to their identity.”
““No, not today, thanks.” You’d be surprised how often a simple, unexplained no is easily acceptable.”
“The farther away you are from the center of the crisis, the farther out you sit in the rings.”
“Grief flows out, comfort flows in.”
“When in doubt, simply state your boundary and change the subject or walk away.”
“It’s okay for people to feel bad when they do something that causes harm”
“Think about ‘ally’ as a verb, not a noun.”
“‘Minimum dose, maximum effect’ when it comes to boundaries, you may be able to expend even less energy with a carefully crafted half response. And during this most difficult season, if it works and creates less stress for you, I’m all for it.”
“What do I need freedom from (or the freedom to do), and what are the guardrails I can establish to create or preserve that freedom?”
“Tell your husband, I’m not checking my phone before bed, so if you see me on it, remind me how much better I’ll feel if I put it down.” Share your self-boundary with friends, family, or your therapist so you’ll have someone cheering you on and holding you accountable, even if the boundary has nothing to do with them.”
“Finally, a self-boundary is only as effective as the freedom that boundary grants you, so if you find a boundary isn’t working the way you thought it would, pivot!”
“People reacting this badly to your boundaries means you’re revoking a privilege they were never meant to have”
“The way other people respond to your boundary is not your business”
“Treat others the way you’d want to be treated.”
“All you need to do is recognize the need for a limit, take a deep breath, and use those clear, kind words we’ve been practicing to hold that space for yourself”
