The 5 Love Languages
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman breaks down the concept of love into five methods of how people may express and receive love: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. These five love languages are used to fill up our emotional love tank each person has. The emotional love tank can be viewed as an emotional investment in your future with that person, whether that is a significant other, friends, family, or even strangers. In return, you receive more shared memories together as you continue building your bond.
“We need not agree on everything, but we must find a way to handle our differences so that they do not become divisive.”
I stumbled upon this book at my hostel in Denver after finishing Drive by Daniel Pink. The book took about 2-3 hours to finish as there was a smooth transition from multiple stories to key concepts. Afterwards, I utilized some of the teachings to build the relationships further with friends and family to understand their needs in life. I led with knowing their top love language and asked further about how they imagine someone showing them that love language.
As an example, say someone said their top love language was quality time. I then asked them “how do you see quality time from a friend?” They then responded with how they see quality time as being present with the other person where the person is not on their phone and they can talk, sit in silence, or do something spontaneous together. Therefore, I can now have that awareness to readjust myself when I am spending time with that person.
After asking more friends and family, I asked how I would want to see these love languages when spending time with myself. Sometimes there will not be people around you in your life, especially in your twenties as you start to live independently and pursue your own path in life without the guidance of your parents or school. You will have to tackle those times on your own and figure out what you enjoy best. Taking this into account, I viewed all the activities I did and found writing, reading, and exploring were my avenues for self-love.
Although this was something I knew, other priorities came up and I did not dedicate time to have these activities in my day to day. Other hangouts with friends and family along with work filled up my time, but when I sat down and started writing these words, a world of discontent turned into a hug.
Now this may not be your cup of tea, but continue to investigate and see what comes to you naturally. When activities and thoughts come up, take action and see what unfolds, and if it does not feel natural, let it go. If it returns, it will be another reminder to continue pursuing said activity.
Top 3 Lessons:
Choosing love doesn’t change the past, choosing love makes a better future instead.
Love is something you do for someone else, not what you do for yourself.
When love comes across as a demand, we lose the possibility of intimacy as it is now expected
Lesson 1: Choosing love doesn’t change the past, choosing love makes a better future instead.
The past is all but written. There is no way for us to change the moments that happened whether they were many years ago or even the past seconds. Choosing love in the present moment allows you to build that investment for a change in the future. A chance to increase the likelihood of someone staying in your life.
Lesson 2: Love is something you do for someone else, not what you do for yourself.
Let’s imagine that someone else in this context is another person such as your family, friend, or even your future / past self. Now take your present self reading these words as yourself. You are currently conducting an action which in turn impacts someone else, whether that is to make amends with your past actions, create the future you wanted, or keep others in your life. You have an intention for someone other than your present self and are dedicating time and energy to that other person.
Lesson 3: When love comes across as a demand, we lose the possibility of intimacy as it is now expected.
Imagine your parents told you to take out the trash. Once you are told that, you are now being demanded from your parents to conduct an action. You now no longer have the free will to think of the action yourself and do it subconsciously to show love. Instead, it is now a task or something expected of you that you are assigned. Therefore, you lose the intimacy in showing love.
In contrast, say you were not told to take out the trash and did it willingly. Your parents may or may not notice you did so out of your own free will, but you chose to show love and have a closeness to satisfying a need for your parents.
Conclusion:
In summary, the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman is a book that describes an emotional tank that is filled through five different methods of showing love. For each method, there are different ways a person may appreciate receiving this love. Thus, focusing on how that person prefers to receive love will not change the past, but instead invest more in the future. Showing this love is a sense of sacrificing your time for someone else, whether that is your future/past self or others in your life. Asking others to do something for you will lose the intimacy with the action. As a way around this request, asking questions and spending time listening to the other person’s love language preferences will guide you to producing more intimate bonds with those around you.
Curious about how to understand more about showing love?
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I’d love to hear your learnings from the book! Tag me on an Instagram story once you finish at @kevintptran.
